fucking blog.

I need to get my head out of my ass and do something that matters.
I want to do something more.
I'm tired of being drunk.
I'm real sick of the random shit I've been pulling.
I need substance more than anything.
I need to feel better.
I need to love and feel loved..and not just be fun.
I want to go somewhere and see something pretty.
I have to fucking get out of here.
and go places
and experience things
and do something.
something that matters.

I need to quit using this stupid fucking blog to complain.

y=sin(x)

Love with all one's soul and leave the rest to fate.


Nabokov, Bukowski. Bukowski, Nabokov.
They make my brain melt and my body implode.
I can't stop thinking.


Anyway......some rambles:


It has been forever, but I haven't forgotten. [you, personified blog.]


Today...
A friend kindly pointed out that I've been distant. Truth.

Summer is a bizarre time. And I feel like I've shut myself off from everything - friends, family, goals. My schedule is strange. I work all day, smoke too many stogz at night, read until I can't keep my eyelids open...and then I'm off to sleep to restart the cycle. When I finally have a day off, I sleep. I sleep because I am so tired.


I can't help but regret how I spent this summer. I've let this time slip away, and I haven't once stopped to absorb, appreciate and grasp onto the moment that quickly fades. Vanishes. Seeya.

THAT is not me. I have always been one to seize the moment; I often find myself stopping, closing my eyes, immersing myself in whatever the hell is going on...and then promising myself that I will never forget a particular instant (as brief and insubstantial as it may be). It usually takes very little to amuse me...


This summer, however, I've become this perpetually discontent slob.
I've spent the last three months complaining about this shitty town and the shitty people and my shitty jobs. I am constantly wishing and "can't wait-ing" ... to be back at school, to have my apartment, to see my friends, to finally be 21, etc.



What the fuck is wrong with me?
Five weeks into school... I am going to be wishing myself back to summer time.
My friend told me tonight that humans can't be too happy for long.
I feel like a fucking sine curve.



This is the last summer I will ever spend with my amazing parents.
This is the last summer I will ever spend with that boy that has kept me sane, happy and alive.
This is the last summer that booze is still illegal...and, naturally, much cooler. (i just lied...booze will never be un-cool.)
THIS IS THE LAST SUMMER (PROBABLY...HOPEFULLY) THAT I



ugh. never mind.
that list is stupid.
I'm too lazy to delete it, and too lazy to finish it.
I can't sleep.
But I'm too tired to finish.



I know you will read this..... so..... Hey Macy, I really miss you.




I thought that writing this would help me sort shit out.

Nope. Maybe next time. Maybe when I'm riding the top of that fucking wave. (you know, where all the positive numbers hang out above line x !)


Sleep real nice, cyberspace.

The Thesaurus describes me as Indignant, Choleric, Reaaal Mad.

I just spent a long time typing a new post.

and then I deleted it by accident.

and now, I am angry.

So I tried to rewrite it...

My Rant:
In this town, surrounded by big ole trucks and assholes, I feel constricted. I can't breathe. I have a jealous squeeze in my stomach. It is probably a result of the entire universe having more fun than me, becoming more successful than me and living better lives than me. I swear {byyyy the moon and the stars in the skies} that I will never settle for this.

The Brighter Side:
I just got a job writing for my town's local newspaper - an exciting opportunity, for now! I even get a reporter's notebook and have to wear Business Casual. God damn, I love Business Casual.

The Point:
I had two wonderful conversations with two amazing friends this past week. Both conversations generally pertained to human relationships - interaction, love, unrequited love, friendship, etc.

I learned two important lessons:

1. I learned that putting all of yourself - every last part - into another person is like standing on the edge of a cliff; you are vulnerable, unstable and afraid, yet, you know the only way off is to jump...be the wolf... and hope for the best. Jumping, of course, may not result in "the best," but you will finally have your answer. The answer - as rude, ungracious and ugly as it may be - will offer some form of relief. I promise.
2. I learned that a true friend may cause your lowest moments, but they are also capable of generating your highest. Experiencing your lowest and highest moments with (and as a result of) someone and, then, being able to make it through them together... it must be love. I don't mean romantic love or infatuation or attraction....I mean love that transcends the bullshit - love that you can trust.

To conclude this slightly cheesy and trite ascertainment, I truly admire those that are capable of "spilling their beans" or never imprisoning their beans in the first place....YOU are the reason why people like me can finally jump....or let the cat out of the bag, as the kids say.
and p.s.... and I feel honored that you trust me with your beans. :)

The Result:
I am going through this stage. It might be a result of the anxious stomach squeezer or the fact that my beans are starting to overflow...BUT... I suddenly have this urge to just fling my beans at some people. Strange metaphor, yes. My point is this: I have always been one to shy away when it comes to discussing my emotions. I lack the confidence to say what is on my mind and I often feel like the inferior person. Issues, therefore, remain unaddressed. Although they may no longer be relevant, confronting my past proves an important endeavor in my present.

My intent is not a contemptuous one. I promise that I am not raging out on everyone that has ever angered me, embarrassed me or broken my heart. I am simply searching for inner peace.

I want to let myself jump off that fucking cliff.
I want the rude, ungracious and ugly answers that I have been too afraid to hear.
I want the lows that make the highs even sweeter.
I want you to listen to me. I want you to quit fucking avoiding me... like I have always avoided you.

My Inspiration: Christian, Chris, Zoe, Dom, Andy, Emma and Jess...You taught me to speak my mind, and I trust you with my beans :)

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin

Until next time, my friends.

let's begin on a balcony...

hi friends.

it has only been days.

and we still have months.

this blog is so i can speak freely with you...

...written anywhere else, and i feel i would have to censor myself.

not worth it.

i really have nothing to say tonight. except that i miss your COLOR.

to conclude:

just tell me you love me and i'll finish my storororory.

...with jazz hands, of course.

bye friends.